So. It's been a while since I've written anything, and you may be wondering why. The only reason I can give you for that absence of wordage (is that even a word? :) ) is that I haven't even been able formulate what all has been going on myself. I struggle with control. I want to control every situation I am in, and I consistently want to know where I am going, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. So for the past 4 months, I've been struggling with wanting to know exactly what God wants me to do and where he is taking me, and I want details. Plus, everyone around me was telling me how I should feel and what I needed to do with my life. And I thought I knew where I needed to be. Basically, I was trying to solve the puzzle of my future. I was doing what I thought God wanted for me, what I believed to be the right thing. So for the past 4 months, spiritual warfare has been well underway.
Is there a difference between doing what you think God wants for you and what he actually wants for you? In my case, I believe so. Because I was so sure that I knew where He was taking me, I was fighting a losing battle. I was fighting emotions, relationships, and everything I thought would distract me from doing what God wanted for me. It wasn't working. I found myself struggling even more, feeling the enemy weighing down on me. You're not enough, Kaylyn. You're too weak to get through this. This?? This is what you're "precious" Jesus wants for you? He must be one crummy guy if this is all you get. And I believed him. I started to question who to listen to and whose voices belonged to who. I had so many people and things yelling at me from so many directions: Do this! Do that! That'll make anyone's head spin.
Then one day, a very special person called me out on my crap. What a blessing. I finally saw what was going on and who and actions were affecting. In that moment, the Lord had me stop fighting. "Just go with the flow," I heard a voice say. It'll be ok. It felt so peaceful to know that it's ok to not know everything. It's ok to be confused about where God's leading you, but it how you chose to handle that confusion that makes the real difference. No matter what or who is attacking you, even if it is your own pride, God is always there to save the day. He loves me. He has a plan. I can't see it, but I know it's a good one, and I can't wait to see it unfold.
Glad you've posted again and shared that. You know how the saying goes, "You wanna make God laugh--tell Him your plans." But I definitely understand what you mean about doing what you "think" God wants you to do and doing what he "actually" wants you to do. Quick story (if I can make it quick):
ReplyDeleteAt a conference a man told this story. A house next to him had caught on fire. Everyone got outside of the house except a little boy (the son). Well, the dad was outside and could see his son, and he knew the only way for the son to get out was to jump through the window. He told his son to jump but his son said, "No, I'm too scared." The dad said, "It's fine. I'll catch you." The son, because of all the smoke in his way said, "I'm scared. I can't see you!" And the dad, knowing that he needed to get out of that house now said, "That's fine. I'll catch YOU. I CAN SEE YOU!" Eventually, the son jumped. The point that I took from that story was that sometimes we don't always know what's in front of us or what's going to happen, but we have to take a leap of faith knowing that God has us. Knowing that our DADDY is going to catch us!
Know that you're not alone in that struggle. Such a blessing that you had a friend to lovingly share truth with you. Continue to TRUST Him!
--AD