So. It's been a while since I've written anything, and you may be wondering why. The only reason I can give you for that absence of wordage (is that even a word? :) ) is that I haven't even been able formulate what all has been going on myself. I struggle with control. I want to control every situation I am in, and I consistently want to know where I am going, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. So for the past 4 months, I've been struggling with wanting to know exactly what God wants me to do and where he is taking me, and I want details. Plus, everyone around me was telling me how I should feel and what I needed to do with my life. And I thought I knew where I needed to be. Basically, I was trying to solve the puzzle of my future. I was doing what I thought God wanted for me, what I believed to be the right thing. So for the past 4 months, spiritual warfare has been well underway.
Is there a difference between doing what you think God wants for you and what he actually wants for you? In my case, I believe so. Because I was so sure that I knew where He was taking me, I was fighting a losing battle. I was fighting emotions, relationships, and everything I thought would distract me from doing what God wanted for me. It wasn't working. I found myself struggling even more, feeling the enemy weighing down on me. You're not enough, Kaylyn. You're too weak to get through this. This?? This is what you're "precious" Jesus wants for you? He must be one crummy guy if this is all you get. And I believed him. I started to question who to listen to and whose voices belonged to who. I had so many people and things yelling at me from so many directions: Do this! Do that! That'll make anyone's head spin.
Then one day, a very special person called me out on my crap. What a blessing. I finally saw what was going on and who and actions were affecting. In that moment, the Lord had me stop fighting. "Just go with the flow," I heard a voice say. It'll be ok. It felt so peaceful to know that it's ok to not know everything. It's ok to be confused about where God's leading you, but it how you chose to handle that confusion that makes the real difference. No matter what or who is attacking you, even if it is your own pride, God is always there to save the day. He loves me. He has a plan. I can't see it, but I know it's a good one, and I can't wait to see it unfold.
