Spiritual Warfare

So. It's been a while since I've written anything, and you may be wondering why. The only reason I can give you for that absence of wordage (is that even a word? :) ) is that I haven't even been able formulate what all has been going on myself. I struggle with control. I want to control every situation I am in, and I consistently want to know where I am going, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. So for the past 4 months, I've been struggling with wanting to know exactly what God wants me to do and where he is taking me, and I want details. Plus, everyone around me was telling me how I should feel and what I needed to do with my life. And I thought I knew where I needed to be. Basically, I was trying to solve the puzzle of my future. I was doing what I thought God wanted for me, what I believed to be the right thing. So for the past 4 months, spiritual warfare has been well underway. 


Is there a difference between doing what you think God wants for you and what he actually wants for you? In my case, I believe so. Because I was so sure that I knew where He was taking me, I was fighting a losing battle. I was fighting emotions, relationships, and everything I thought would distract me from doing what God wanted for me. It wasn't working. I found myself struggling even more, feeling the enemy weighing down on me. You're not enough, Kaylyn. You're too weak to get through this. This?? This is what you're "precious" Jesus wants for you? He must be one crummy guy if this is all you get. And I believed him. I started to question who to listen to and whose voices belonged to who. I had so many people and things yelling at me from so many directions: Do this! Do that! That'll make anyone's head spin. 


Then one day, a very special person called me out on my crap. What a blessing. I finally saw what was going on and who and actions were affecting. In that moment, the Lord had me stop fighting. "Just go with the flow," I heard a voice say. It'll be ok. It felt so peaceful to know that it's ok to not know everything. It's ok to be confused about where God's leading you, but it how you chose to handle that confusion that makes the real difference. No matter what or who is attacking you, even if it is your own pride, God is always there to save the day. He loves me. He has a plan. I can't see it, but I know it's a good one, and I can't wait to see it unfold.  

It's Not Love Any Other Way

Everyone experiences hurt and pain. I know I have quite a bit over the past year and even in the past couple months. While we may think that God has abandoned us in those times, He is right next to us, waiting for us to cry out and give our pain to Him, for He is the only one who can heal us.  Watch this video. Then go download the song. It'll change your perspective on pain. 

Thanks

Today, I’m thankful for:

My incredibly supportive parents who put up with my drama and complaining on a daily basis. They mean everything to me, and I probably would never leave them if I didn’t have to grow up.

Kati, My amazing sister who is more like a best friend (Even though we don’t see each other much and fight just like any sisters do. She is my inspiration in every way possible.

The rest of my incredible family.

Brittany, Ellie, Christine and Chelle, my best friends from high school who, even though we may not talk as much as we used to, are willing to listen to anything I have to say or vent about. And who I know I will never lose touch with.

Jillian, my best friend from elementary school AND Jr. High AND high school. We, even though we are SO different and don’t talk that often, can see each other for the first time in months and it is like we were never apart. I know our friendship will never die.

Lana and Megan, my first college friends who have already seen me go through one of the hardest times in my life and chose to stick by my side the entire way.

The rest of my amazing Grace family. All the people that I’ve met through Crosspoint or anywhere else.

Danny and Lauren, the most amazing and inspiring couple I know next to my own parents. They have helped me through so much, and I love every minute I get to spend with them and their adorable kids. I am so thankful they have invested in not only my life but the lives of all the students at Grace.

Being able to be a youth intern. This job brings me such joy, happiness and fun. I love being a part of something bigger than myself. 

All the students of Grace. They are such a blessing and have brought so much into my life. I’m so thankful I get to be a part of their lives.

My health. Other than the occasional sinus infection, I am as healthy as a horse. I feel so lucky to be that way.

The roof over my head and the food in my belly. I know there are so many out there who don’t have a fraction of what I have.

While all of these are amazing things to be thankful for, there is one person who deserves more thanks than I can possible give. Today, and EVERY DAY I am eternally grateful for:

A God who loves me so much he sent his only son to die for me. A God who cares about me and gives me everything I need, even if it’s not everything I want. A God who gives me all of the above. A God who knows what’s best for me and who has a plan for my life. A God who gives me purpose and meaning in life. A God who will never fail me. A God who is NEVER disappointed in me and will never turn his back on me. A God who I can NEVER be separated from. A God who I GET TO BE WITH FOREVER! Without him I would not be the person I am today. I would have NOTHING. But because of him I have EVERYTHING.

So thank you God. Thank you for being you. And creating me just the way I am. Thanks for never giving up on me. I can never say it enough. But THANK YOU. You’re my everything. 

Fear

As Halloween is just around the corner, there are things to fear everywhere. Scary movies invade my TV. Creepy costumes and decorations loom around every corner. Honestly, it is my least favorite time of year. I am what most would call a baby when it comes to anything that is going to make me scared. But it’s not just the Halloween season that is keeping me in fear.

I fear for the future. I fear that I may not make the grade I want in my classes. I fear that I might mess up at my job. I fear that I am not a good enough person to those around me. I fear that I may never meet the man of my dreams. Or that I may meet him and be so skeptical of his feelings for me that I pass him by. I fear that I’ll be rejected again for the job I’ve wanted since 5^th grade. I fear that I am not good enough or qualified enough to lead my high school girls. FEAR.

As I sit here, putting all of these fears into words, I look back and see how stinking earthly all of these things are. How insane of me is it to think that these are the type of things I am most scared of, when the only fear I should have is the fear of my God, the one who can eliminate all of these. Several verses come to mind.

Romans 12:2- “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Matthew 6:27, 34 -“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Psalm 85:9- “Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land.”

And last but certainly not least,

Jeremiah 29:11- “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’”

So while life throws scary things my way, God is SCREAMING at me that there is no need to fear. All that I have to do is to rest in his unfailing love, and nothing else can touch me. While I have no idea what the future holds for me, I know that I’ll be ok. Everything may not turn out the way I want it, but it will all turn out just how God wants it. He’s got me, which turns all those fears into dust. Except maybe those stupid Halloween decorations. 

Times

In this moment, I really have no words to describe how I am feeling, but these are the times when I put my iPod on shuffle and God takes the wheel and plays just the song He knows I need to hear.


Times- Tenth Avenue North


I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?


Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?


I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."


I don't always spend the time that God gives me in the way that I should, but in the end, through the good times and bad, He is always by my side to catch me when I fall.

Life's Little Distractions

Procrastination has always been an issue that has encompassed my life in general. This week, it was in the form of a test I had to have six chapters read for, and here it was, two days before the text, and not one of the chapters had been read. My plan was to simply go to a solitary place to make sure there would be no reason for me to procrastinate any longer. My plan failed. I ended up in the church office, where some friends were having an intriguing conversation about blogging. As one friend was updating his, another was just creating hers, and she , in turn, proceeded to pressure another to create one for himself. I was then, of course, the only one in the room not contributing to the blogging feast. I was then bombarded by comments of "Kaylyn, now you have to get a blog! Everyone has one now! It's the cool thing to do!" It was peer pressure that I could not help giving in to. Not ten minutes later I found my textbook laying open to the side, and my eyes glued to the screen, trying to make sure I had the perfect background picture, fonts, and colors. Distractions. 


Now here I am, thinking about all the school work that needs to be completed before the week is over, yet I am blogging. I never thought of myself as someone who would blog. Why do people need to know my life stories? I think to myself. But then I realize, maybe my life stories are part of the bigger picture, a part of God's picture. My hope is that this blog (however often I write, which may not be often) will not be a place to draw attention to myself, my life, and my struggles, but a place where I can share the wonders and beauty of my Creator, the one who gives the life and breath I breathe. After all, if it is going to be a distraction (which I can guarantee it will!) it might as well be a distraction that is dedicated to serving the One I love the most!


Just look at the background image. What beauty He has created! All he is saying is "Be still, and know that I AM GOD!" Psalm 46:10